Ivorbean's Weblog

The Window

ivorbean — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 03:12:03 +0000

Rain drops down the window pane.

Its warm in here but I’m cold inside. I watch them stream

and run together, holding hands in their escape. In the

distance clouds part. A shaft of light upon the madness,

a bright illumination of years gone by and of years to come.

My vision blurs, tears like the rain drops.

Time is running out as I claw at each passing day,

unable to understand what I would do if I held one in my hand.

Obsession

ivorbean — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:29:17 +0000

Obsession [uh b-sesh-uh n]

The domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

The man stands breathing hard, heart pumping in his chest. He clenches and opens his hands, a slight trembling sensation about his body and mild feelings of euphoria breeze in and out of his mind.

He squats down and after asserting his grip picks the barbell up to its first position.

He takes two deep breaths then in one fluid motion raises the bar above his head until his arms are locked out. Its just twelve reps… that’s all, just twelve. This will be the third time he has done this in the space of four, perhaps five minutes so he knows it will be hard. He gets to five reps and the visions start to flash in his mind strobe like. (A man in a pub leaning towards him laughing… A tall suited man grey flecked hair in a gently lit hotel lounge… The naked body of a dark skinned man). Rep twelve shudders to a finish and the bar is dropped to the first position with little of the control that was seen at the start of the set. Breath rasping in his throat he carefully lowers the bar to the floor. He feels good, another battle won, another step along the road… the one that never ends.

A man stands in a bedroom, hands by his sides looking around the room. He sees nothing that calms him. He has little desire to shut the blinds, feels like this may trap him, but he does shut them. They start to come, the thoughts and questions. The room is cosy but holds no comfort for him as he starts to run down familiar stark corridors in his head. Each corridor has many doors, some of them he has opened many times before, some of them are new to him. He hopes that behind one of them will reside a person who will put everything right, take the thoughts and questions from him. He keeps trying and running until sleep takes him.

What’s the Point?

ivorbean — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:11:09 +0000

Often people who have things going wrong in their life will be heard to be saying, “whats the point?” When you feel all is against you or perhaps just one unsavory thing has happened to you it is easy to get to that way of thinking. You may feel that things will never be the same again or that it is just to broke to fix (here’s one I broke earlier).

I guess the general state of mind in a situation as described is, “whats the point in anything”.

For those of us who are OK with things in general, do we know what the point is? Is it to find a partner, get married and have kids? The general consensus seems to be that life is all about keeping our species on the planet but, what if producing offspring is not your thing or you are unable to have them? Well you could concentrate on your career, improve your income and buy a nice house. The idea seems to be another must for a lot of people. So what if your against materialism? Perhaps ‘The Point’ then is just to have a good time, enjoy yourself, experience things and revel in friendships. I guess non of us asked to be released upon the world, but here we are. Some of us find ‘The Point’ easily, some of us will wander in search and others will have little concern for ‘The Point’…… after all what’s the point.

To the Manual.

ivorbean — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 12:28:04 +0000

I used to read fiction books in my work breaks and other spare moments. I found myself at one point so deep into The Dark Tower I thought I was in there with Roland. It felt like I had lost a friend when I closed the rear cover of book seven and had to awake into, ‘My World’. Now I find myself more often than not reading some kind of manual or ‘how to’ book. These books have enabled me to give an entertaining Best Man speech for a friend, eat a healthy diet, change the focus area on my Nikon and get around in the problematic world of Microsoft Vista.

On my bookshelves reside many useful manuals and books but as I look along them there is one missing…. It would be such a help to me… If only I could find it…. If only it had been there in the first place. The ‘Manual for Me’ that’s what I need. In the Index it would tell me where to find the settings and adjustments that I require. I could start with the default settings. Envy, set to zero. Anger, set to only when really required. Jealousy, set to min. Love, set to Max. I could then move on to the more advanced options for the more experienced user of ‘Me’. Introspective Thinking, adjusted to a level as to not interfere with basic operation. Procrastination, set to holiday periods only.

I guess none of this would really be suited to a man as most of us tend to try and bumble along with the attitude of, ‘I don’t need that’. Me however…. I think I need ‘The Manual’.

Grudges.

ivorbean — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 03:25:29 +0000

Just the other day I was told that holding grudges can cause problems with the cells in your body leading to Cancers etc. Not sure of the integrity of the theory or of the original source but I did find the notion a little worrying as I have held a few grudges myself and have also had a scrape with Melanoma.
How then do I go about banishing the grudges against the people who have wronged me? I have learnt now to try and deal with situations as they arise (the take no shit approach) so I tend not to build any new grudges. The old ones? Well… in my mind I have a black book, in that book all the details of the ‘wrongers’ and their wrongs against me are held. This is so that at a point in the future I can have my revenge, whatever form that should take. Have I concluded business with any of them yet? No I have not, although I did have the perfect opportunity one dark night.
Cutting through a dark pathway behind an old house on my way home from work on a late shift I came across a man I know who had wronged me. He was drunk and struggling to find his way through in the dark and in his condition. He recognised me and I showed him the way. I thought to myself that here was my chance, I could probably beat him quite seriously, drag him around the floor and perhaps empty my bladder upon him if I so desired. I wasn’t scared at the thought and I did not decide that it was a bad idea, I just didn’t do it. I think this says a lot about me. He remains in the book.

The ‘Suits’.

ivorbean — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 01:11:13 +0000

I used to have this thing about the office working suited and booted clan. They seemed to represent everything I was against. Sitting at desks, clean living, too eager to please, too neat and tidy and too willing to conform.
Of course most of those views had no real substance and were mainly born of dissatisfaction with myself for what ever reason…. I think. I decorated myself with alot of tattoo work (war paint?), got myself pierced and wore clothes that represented a respectable level of non conformity, the ripped jeans and rock T shirts. Years down the line I am still tattooed (obviously) and have pride in the tunnels in my ears. My views have changed somewhat now and I actually find I am a little envious of the ‘Suits’. There seems to be a different level of social activity in their world and I have noticed how woman tend to look upon the suited. I actually dress a lot better these days and like to look smart. I still have some slight disdain for the suited salesman, insurance men, managers etc on their little business jollies but its mostly for different reasons but that’s for another day. To be cont….

Feels right?

ivorbean — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 04:47:06 +0000

How do you tell when something is right? I don’t mean like a sum or a web address, I mean like a feeling about something. Often you will hear people say, “You will know when it feels right”. But will you? What if your own personal logic gets in the way and you deem what ever would be right by anyone Else’s standards to be wrong? Or is that just the point, if your mind is working like that then its never going to be right because you wont let it be right. So in that instance the feeling in question could well be very right its just that your wrong. So in the constant search for rightness a person could quite well become more and more wrong. Not great really.

Night Shift….

ivorbean — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 03:31:10 +0000

Seems almost surreal that I should be writing my first proper Weblog entry on a nightshift. It was years ago in another job on the nightshift when I remember really thinking about things (kind of why I liked the idea of a Blog). Nights seems to do that, well to me anyway. I was on my own more or less as the guy I was working with was relaxing in a chair in our work area while I took a wander into the nearby deserted offices. I remember looking out of the window at the quiet night, wondering what I was doing on nightshift, why was I single, what was next in my life and what did I want. Not sure if I ever answered any of those questions. Here I am somewhere around 16 years down the line on nights again in a different place with a different set of thoughts. I feel I am learning all the time, but the more I learn the more questions I come up with. Perhaps that’s the way its supposed to be….?