Often people who have things going wrong in their life will be heard to be saying, “whats the point?” When you feel all is against you or perhaps just one unsavory thing has happened to you it is easy to get to that way of thinking. You may feel that things will never be the same again or that it is just to broke to fix (here’s one I broke earlier).I used to read fiction books in my work breaks and other spare moments. I found myself at one point so deep into The Dark Tower I thought I was in there with Roland. It felt like I had lost a friend when I closed the rear cover of book seven and had to awake into, ‘My World’. Now I find myself more often than not reading some kind of manual or ‘how to’ book. These books have enabled me to give an entertaining Best Man speech for a friend, eat a healthy diet, change the focus area on my Nikon and get around in the problematic world of Microsoft Vista.
On my bookshelves reside many useful manuals and books but as I look along them there is one missing…. It would be such a help to me… If only I could find it…. If only it had been there in the first place. The ‘Manual for Me’ that’s what I need. In the Index it would tell me where to find the settings and adjustments that I require. I could start with the default settings. Envy, set to zero. Anger, set to only when really required. Jealousy, set to min. Love, set to Max. I could then move on to the more advanced options for the more experienced user of ‘Me’. Introspective Thinking, adjusted to a level as to not interfere with basic operation. Procrastination, set to holiday periods only.
I guess none of this would really be suited to a man as most of us tend to try and bumble along with the attitude of, ‘I don’t need that’. Me however…. I think I need ‘The Manual’.
Just the other day I was told that holding grudges can cause problems with the cells in your body leading to Cancers etc. Not sure of the integrity of the theory or of the original source but I did find the notion a little worrying as I have held a few grudges myself and have also had a scrape with Melanoma.
How then do I go about banishing the grudges against the people who have wronged me? I have learnt now to try and deal with situations as they arise (the take no shit approach) so I tend not to build any new grudges. The old ones? Well… in my mind I have a black book, in that book all the details of the ‘wrongers’ and their wrongs against me are held. This is so that at a point in the future I can have my revenge, whatever form that should take. Have I concluded business with any of them yet? No I have not, although I did have the perfect opportunity one dark night.
Cutting through a dark pathway behind an old house on my way home from work on a late shift I came across a man I know who had wronged me. He was drunk and struggling to find his way through in the dark and in his condition. He recognised me and I showed him the way. I thought to myself that here was my chance, I could probably beat him quite seriously, drag him around the floor and perhaps empty my bladder upon him if I so desired. I wasn’t scared at the thought and I did not decide that it was a bad idea, I just didn’t do it. I think this says a lot about me. He remains in the book.
I used to have this thing about the office working suited and booted clan. They seemed to represent everything I was against. Sitting at desks, clean living, too eager to please, too neat and tidy and too willing to conform.
Of course most of those views had no real substance and were mainly born of dissatisfaction with myself for what ever reason…. I think. I decorated myself with alot of tattoo work (war paint?), got myself pierced and wore clothes that represented a respectable level of non conformity, the ripped jeans and rock T shirts. Years down the line I am still tattooed (obviously) and have pride in the tunnels in my ears. My views have changed somewhat now and I actually find I am a little envious of the ‘Suits’. There seems to be a different level of social activity in their world and I have noticed how woman tend to look upon the suited. I actually dress a lot better these days and like to look smart. I still have some slight disdain for the suited salesman, insurance men, managers etc on their little business jollies but its mostly for different reasons but that’s for another day. To be cont….
How do you tell when something is right? I don’t mean like a sum or a web address, I mean like a feeling about something. Often you will hear people say, “You will know when it feels right”. But will you? What if your own personal logic gets in the way and you deem what ever would be right by anyone Else’s standards to be wrong? Or is that just the point, if your mind is working like that then its never going to be right because you wont let it be right. So in that instance the feeling in question could well be very right its just that your wrong. So in the constant search for rightness a person could quite well become more and more wrong. Not great really.
Seems almost surreal that I should be writing my first proper Weblog entry on a nightshift. It was years ago in another job on the nightshift when I remember really thinking about things (kind of why I liked the idea of a Blog). Nights seems to do that, well to me anyway. I was on my own more or less as the guy I was working with was relaxing in a chair in our work area while I took a wander into the nearby deserted offices. I remember looking out of the window at the quiet night, wondering what I was doing on nightshift, why was I single, what was next in my life and what did I want. Not sure if I ever answered any of those questions. Here I am somewhere around 16 years down the line on nights again in a different place with a different set of thoughts. I feel I am learning all the time, but the more I learn the more questions I come up with. Perhaps that’s the way its supposed to be….?
